Happy Halloween, friends and NFL fans.
Welcome to the one day a year it’s socially acceptable to act like someone else as long as you still follow basic common law and moral standards. Halloween is about two things: candy and football.
Candy is the obvious one. No Halloween is complete without acquiring as much candy as possible. It doesn’t matter how old you are, you are never too old to stock up on candy from strangers.
Football is the less obvious one, but allow me to offer a simple explanation: Life is always about football. No matter the day or the circumstance. Life is about football.
And thanks to this handy guide, you’ll be able to know which football teams you’re looking at when you dump your Halloween candy on the floor at the end of the night. Enjoy the tricks, enjoy the treats, and enjoy the football on Halloween 2018.
Mandatory Credit: Jason O. Watson/Getty Images
Arizona Cardinals: Stale chocolate
There are people in the world who buy Halloween candy but don’t give it all away. These people should — if they had a kind bone in their body — donate the candy. There is a starving Sally Struthers somewhere in Africa. But these people don’t donate their candy to starving actresses. They don’t even eat it for themselves, which is what you’re supposed to do with leftover candy. They don’t even toss the candy out, which is a complete waste because the least appreciative candy monsters are trash bags.
No, these people do the worst thing someone can do. They keep it. And use it again next year.
There should be an app to report people like this. If you receive a piece of stale chocolate in your pumpkin bucket, you log onto the app and give that house zero stars.
Tangent: Is there an app to rate houses based on Halloween candy received? Because if there’s not, someone please design it and give me credit for the idea. The app is only useful one day a year, but the download and usage numbers for Halloween would be insane.
Anyway, stale chocolate. Or, as football fans call it, the Arizona Cardinals. It was just three years ago when we were talking about the Cardinals being one of the best teams in the NFC. Their defense was lights out. Everyone loved Larry Fitzgerald. Carson Palmer was a good thing. Bruce Arians was one of the best coaches in the league. The Cardinals were right there and weren’t going anywhere.
Now they’re just stale chocolate where after the first bite you immediately regret it and curse the house that gave it to you.