Joe Buck. (Photo by Slaven Vlasic/Getty Images for Advertising Week New York)
Joe Buck is getting his announcing reps in these days any way he can. We have some job offers to add to the mix.
Joe Buck is the announcing prodigy of his generation. The son of legendary play-by-play guy Jack Buck, Joe has captivated the hearts of many Americans with his dulcet tones over the years. Buck is the voice of FOX Sports, making him the network’s top play-by-play guy for the NFL and MLB. His partners are hall of famers Troy Aikman and John Smoltz, respectively.
In these days of the great indoors, Buck has been keeping his play-by-play chops up to speed by announcing anything and everything under the sun on Twitter. It’s been great, but no, he won’t do play-by-play of your adult home video, nor will he take a job doing so for the big leagues. With chops like his, he can do play-by-play for whatever he wants.
To celebrate the most principled play-by-play guy of the COVID-19 era, here are 69 things we need Buck to announce stat. We picked the No. 69 because he was born in 1969, get your mind out of the gutter.
- Halftime baby races at NBA games
- Weather forecasts
- Bass fishing tournaments (CAUGHT!!!)
- Cash lotto drawings
- Bingo games at homes for active seniors
- Subway announcements (doors are closing, etc.)
- Subway announcements (your order is ready, etc.)
- Subway sandwich artistry (meatball sub play-by-play, etc.)
- Hosting/seating duties at restaurants
- Every game from Troy Aikman’s awful rookie season
- John Smoltz vs. Jack Morris in Game 7 of the 1991 World Series
- John Smoltz getting a haircut (it’ll be quick one)
- Games his late father Jack Buck called (that’s a winner)
- St. Louis Blues’ Stanley Cup run
- The music vide of “Gloria” by the late, great Laura Branigan
- Fights at family reunions
- People cooking sweet delicious BBQ ribs
- Awful tattoo cover-ups
- The cinematic masterpiece that is The Lion King
- Petting zoos, evil petting zoos would be preferred
- Tiger King: Murder, Mayhem and Madness
- A to Z in a good, old-fashioned Merriam-Webster
- Slow dances at middle school functions
- People moving a heavy couch up seven flights of stairs
- “In a world…where Joe Buck does movie trailers…”
- Repossessions of automobiles
- Bruce Lee fight sequences
- The final scene of Nic Cage’s The Wicker Man
- Dogs given a new toy or a bone to chew one (dogs, bruh)
- Anything Rex Chapman shares on Twitter
- Lawn mower races, really, just anything with sit-down lawn mowers
- Kids opening presents on Christmas morning
- People cutting their own hair
- The entire process of brewing a pot of coffee
- Beer pong tournaments
- Everything Cosmo Kramer does on Seinfeld, especially the door slides
- People taking out the garbage in downpours, hailstorms
- Games of Monopoly
- Drying paint
- TikTok videos, especially ones made by quarantining teens
- Someone trying to eat an entire pizza in one sitting
- Home improvement projects by people who are terrible at home improvement projects
- Monster gators loose on Florida golf courses
- Cats being terrified of cucumbers (yes, that’s a real thing)
- Water-proofing (decks, docks, whatever)
- Kids learning to tie their shoes (what a life skill that is)
- Rouge Roombas with minds of their own because they’re cyborgs trying to kill us
- Dudes botching their beard trim, women struggling with brow maintenance
- Anything that was “unbelievable, baby” in the eyes of Dick Vitale, baby
- WWII video breakdowns, but only if Bill Belichick is on board to co-host
- Kids who refuse to eat their vegetables (THE STRUGGLE!!!)
- Boomers falling asleep in the recliner watching TV
- A teenage boy devouring an entire box of cereal at 1:00 p.m. on a Saturday.
- Kids’ race against time before the ice cream cone melts
- Your dad drinking a beer in the garage, watching it rain outside
- Your mom putting together a shopping list with indecipherable letters
- Squirrels trying to get some food out of the bird feeder again.
- Pressure washing the driveway
- Anything and everything that involves power tools and ego
- Awesome attempts at baby teeth removal from your home!
- Patrick Mahomes using an entire bottle of ketchup on a T-bone steak
- Animals taking over the streets our of many vacated metropolises
- Pre-teens crashing their beloved drones into a lake
- Arguments over how to fold clothes
- Folding a fitted bedsheet
- Dog vs. doorbell
- Extreme dad dancing (think Hawaiian shirt at a cul-de-sac cookout event)
- So, you’ve lost your phone again
- Joe Buck doing play-by-play over games Joe Buck has already done play-by-play for
It’s a lot, but there are at least 69 opportunities to get better. More importantly, there are 69 different ways Joe Buck can entertain us without narrating NSFW acts. So when a rogue cat goes on the field like it did at MetLife Stadium that one time, Joe Buck will be ready. If he’s half as good as Kevin Harlan was in that magical moment, then Buck got better this offseason.