Jacksonville Jaguars, Miami Dolphins

Gardner Minshew’s beard hate fuels Ryan Fitzpatrick

Ryan Fitzpatrick so heard what Gardner Minshew had to say about beards.

We have proof for why Ryan Fitzpatrick has played better Thursday night over Gardner Minshew.

The Jacksonville Jaguars‘ starting quarterback may have lit a fire under the veteran journeyman signal-caller of the Miami Dolphins. Sure, it may have more to do with the Dolphins avoiding the 0-3 hole and Fitzpatrick getting benched for No. 5 overall pick Tua Tagovailoa, but once you see what Minshew had to say about beards, how can you not be mad if you sport this facial hair style?

Gardner Minshew has fueled all the fire burning inside of Ryan Fitzpatrick.

When Ron Burgundy read the teleprompter and told San Diego to go f**k itself, this is how people who support Minshew Mania feel right now. He seems like a cool dude with a great sense of style, but he has alienated fellow beardsmen like myself, possibly forever. You had Duval facial hair cult going, bro. I would have followed you into the Atlantic Ocean. Instead, into the St. Johns you go!

Not only am I sobbing all the tears my eyeballs can manifest all over my laptop while writing this, I don’t think I can ever look at the color teal the same way again without failing to pieces in the most melodramatic fashion possible. This is not a toupee on my face. I grew this thing after quitting my day job over six years ago. With these luscious coarse follicles, I have found myself.

I may suck at growing sideburns, but I can grow a mustache four times more epic than yours. It is a very good thing to have Bavarian Alps genes on my side. It is blonde and beautiful. It is real and it is magnificent. This is why I’ve considered Fitzpatrick to be the older brother I never had, and you’re just a dude I want to crush some Coors Light with while playing some cornhole or pong.

One day, you may be able to grow something cool on your cheeks and jawline, but the world will never get to see it in all its glory. You are the long lost of Ken Stabler for crying out loud! I wanted you to win the Jaguars their first Super Bowl like Snake did the Silver and Black back in 1976. I have not been this heartbroken since Jack didn’t make it off the Titanic, and I knew it was coming!

So will it be a Bic, a Schick or a Gillette blade going to face after you fall to Fitzpatrick tonight?

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