Kansas City Chiefs, Philadelphia Eagles

Jason Kelce, Travis Kelce pushing for minivans harder than suburban soccer moms

Jason Kelce and Travis Kelce are doing more for the good name of minivans than suburban soccer moms hauling their growing number of kids and all of their friends everywhere.

I didn’t know that I needed a Dodge Caravan commercial starring Jason Kelce and his younger brother Travis Kelce than I do right now.

Personally, I view minivans in the same vein as I do refrigerators. They serve a purpose, but I think they are absolutely disgusting contraptions created out of corporate greed in an increasingly consumer-based society. Well, whether or not you want to admit it, you have been inside one of those disease-infested tanks, and probably have a fantastic story to tell about that one joy ride.

Here is Jason Kelce telling Travis Kelce about why their beloved green Dodge Caravan bit the dust when they were back in high school on the latest episode of New Heights.

The Big Dad Energy emanating from Kelce’s entire persona is the stuff that builds cul-de-sacs.

Jason Kelce, Travis Kelce doing more for minivans than local soccer tournaments

As any teenager, why would you not floor it with a bunch of your high school buddies chilling in the back seat when something sounds off with the car itself? Peer pressure is a very real and very cool thing. You want to be cool, right? Driving a minivan isn’t cool, but destroying a trusted rusty beast’s power steering is what can transform prospective college line meat into majestic NFL specimens.

My favorite part of the clip actually is Travis Kelce explaining why you need only one sliding door on the passenger side of a minivan. Those dirty, rotten, stinking kids spilling Capri Suns everywhere and crushing crackers into dust cannot be trusted under any capacity. Kelce knows because he was absolutely that kid. Tell me you’re a leash kid without telling me you’re a leash kid.

But you know what? That green Dodge Caravan in Cleveland Heights, Ohio built character, enough to send two strong millennial boys to Cincinnati, where they learned how to be men on their pathway to becoming future Pro Football Hall of Famers and Super Bowl champions. I cannot wait to hear what their Pro Football Hall of Fame speeches will sound like. Please roll into Canton in a green minivan.

Minivans, swing sets, trampolines and above-ground pools are the four horsemen of the suburban apocalypse. I’m not wrong, I’m just telling you so that you can be prepared for what is so coming.

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